Emotional Intimacy 101: Understanding and Cultivating Deep Connections

Welcome to Simply Midori’s intimacy journey! Our mission with this blog series is to equip you with the essential tools for cultivating stronger intimacy in your relationship.

Thus far, we’ve explored its meaning and different types and even provided you with a curated list of the best resources to deepen your understanding.

Today’s blog will explore the fascinating concept of Emotional Intimacy and its significance in relationships.

Why Does Emotional Intimacy Matter?

After observing thousands of couples for over four decades, the Gottman Institute made a groundbreaking discovery. It turns out that most couples aren’t quarreling about specific issues like finances, parenting, or in-laws. Instead, they all struggled to connect emotionally without even realizing it.

Emotional intimacy plays a vital role in a healthy relationship. It creates a safe and secure connection that fosters open communication and deep understanding between partners. When partners cultivate emotional intimacy, they experience greater satisfaction and fulfillment.

What Does Emotional Intimacy Mean?

Emotional intimacy is that incredible, strong connection and closeness you share with someone. It’s beyond skimming the surface; it’s about genuinely seeing, knowing, and understanding each other—like soulmates.

With emotional intimacy, you strive to know your partner on such a profound level that you become their biggest cheerleader in life. You want to be there for their struggles, celebrate their victories, and fully empathize with their emotions. It’s about supporting each other through life’s thrilling highs and challenging lows.

But here’s the thing: emotional intimacy is a two-way street. We all yearn to be truly seen and known by our loved ones. That’s why letting someone in and showing them the real you is crucial.

Building this type of connection requires you to lower your defenses and trust someone with your deepest emotions.

Signs That A Relationship Has Emotional Intimacy

Emotional intimacy is a special journey different for everyone, whether with a romantic partner or a close friend. Sometimes, when feel angry or upset, reaching out for emotional support is helpful. Having an honest conversation about what’s causing the distress or distance can deepen your emotional intimacy in incredible ways.

11 Signs of emotional intimacy in a relationship may include:

-Comfortable sharing personal matters.
-Never feel lonely, always supported.
-One listens to the other person’s perspective without judgment.
-Open communication about treatment.
-Sharing life’s highs and lows together.
-Can openly discuss their sex life.
-Easy transition between light and deep talks.
-Empathy towards each other.
-Genuine interest in their experiences.
-Being present without distractions.
-Compassionate when they’re suffering.

Signs That There’s A Lack of Emotional Intimacy In A Relationship

Let’s talk about signs that a relationship might be missing emotional intimacy. For romantic partners, it could mean not discussing essential topics or having unresolved conflicts. And in friendships, it might feel like the connection is shallow or imbalanced. Developing this bond with someone is crucial, as it can significantly impact the relationship’s future.

8 Signs that there is a lack of emotional intimacy in a relationship may include:

–Fear of sharing vulnerabilities.
-Superficial relationship feel.
-Feeling unseen or misunderstood.
-Uncertainty and fear of judgment.
-Frequent disappointment or letdowns.
–One-sided conversations.
–Conversation and interest dwindling.
-Loneliness within the relationship.

Related Reading: 20 Mind-Blowing Intimacy Hacks For Your Relationship

How Emotional Intimacy Plays A Role In Other Intimacies

Let’s explore the different types of intimacies and discover how emotional intimacy contributes to them.

• Physical intimacy: leverages your deeper connection to release hormones that enhance feelings when you touch.

• Sexual intimacy: leverages the emotional closeness enabling you to share your sexual desires.

• Intellectual intimacy: leverages the vulnerability you discovered to create meaningful, honest conversations about a myriad of topics.

• Creative intimacy: uses your safe space to say things that might seem foolish to others – which is typically where you can create something truly new and unique.

• Spiritual intimacy: is all about the things that mean the most to you. But here’s the key: emotional intimacy is the gateway to spiritual intimacy.

Note: Emotional intimacy sets itself apart from sexual intimacy because sexual intimacy can occur independently, with or without the emotional connection. However, if a couple develops emotional intimacy, their sex life is bound to improve.

How to Build Emotional Intimacy: 13 Ways

Whether you’re interested in working to rebuild emotional intimacy in your current or new relationships, there are many steps you can take to foster a deeper connection with another person. This means first having the desire to become uncomfortable with vulnerability and openness. Mutual trust is important, so focus on encouraging the other person to be forthcoming.

Tip # 1 on building emotional intimacy: Engage Your Life
Are you stuck in the monotonous routine of going to a job that lacks fulfillment? Do you come home expecting an emotional connection in your relationship, only to feel disappointed? This approach won’t lead to long-term happiness.

Remembering that relationships are interwoven with the rest of our lives is essential. To have an intimate relationship, you need to have a fulfilling life. Healthy relationships involve meeting each other’s needs, but meeting your own is equally vital. Otherwise, you risk burdening your partner with that responsibility.

If you are going through life on auto-pilot and wondering why emotional intimacy is lacking in your relationship, consider this a wake-up call. Pay attention to areas where you can become more connected and fulfilled in your life as a whole. By doing so, you’ll show up in your relationship as the best version of yourself, with a broader world to share with your partner.

Related Reading: Cultivating A Great Relationship With Yourself

Tip # 2 on how to become emotionally intimate: Establish Bonding Traditions
Chances are you both have a busy life, hence the need to figure out a regular touchpoint; whether it’s working out or having a morning cup of coffee, routines and rituals form the foundation of our lives.

Creating a routine with a built-in touchpoint with your spouse can amplify the emotional intimacy between you. Here are a few ideas to make into a practice:
–Evening wine time post-work
-Weekend brunch rendezvous
-Regular relationship appraisal
-Morning departure with a lingering kiss
-Dinner prep with a dance-off in the kitchen

This routine isn’t just about going through the motions. It’s about spending time with each other to connecting meaningfully; being intentional fosters emotional intimacy and makes you feel valued and special.

Tip # 3 on how to be emotionally intimate: Be Vulnerable
Alright, let’s dig a little deeper here.

Embracing your authentic self involves opening up about your deepest thoughts, aspirations, and insecurities. It also means embracing the parts you may think your partner won’t see eye-to-eye with or the parts you may consider imperfect or undeserving of love.

By sharing your true self, you foster a deeper connection and create space for genuine understanding and acceptance.

Choosing this attitude and taking action is not only a moment-by-moment decision but also a brave act of self-love and self-validation. Feeling apprehensive is expected, as when someone holds a special place in your heart, their opinion carries significant weight. But the most profound emotional intimacy blooms within these moments of true authenticity.

To be genuinely understood, you must be open to being fully observed. No concealment, no modifications, no appeasement. Just the raw, unvarnished truth. This is what emotional intimacy is all about!

Recommended Reading: How To Better Communicate With Your Spouse

Tip # 4 on how to be emotionally intimate: Improve How You Ask Questions
Ever feel like you’re caught in those predictable everyday conversation ruts? You know the ones:

-Planning the weekend’s to-do list
-Sharing stories about the kids
-Deciding on dinner (the struggle is real, right?)

We do not doubt that those questions matter, but let’s be honest; it’s just surface-level information. Those everyday conversations do not help you foster emotional intimacy.

So instead of the same old conversations, use these questions and build emotional intimacy.

Tip # 5 on how to be emotionally intimate: Show You Care
It may seem obvious, but when you care, you get to show you care. Do you consistently approach your partner with genuine care and regard?

Take a moment to think about it.

When they speak, do you truly listen with presence and compassion? Are you open to respecting their opinions, even when they differ from yours? Do you actively check in on what’s happening in their life and how they feel about it?

Ask yourself if you’re putting in the effort. Are you doing the little things to prioritize your relationship’s health, being a team player, and making your partner feel loved?

Or, have you found yourself getting a little too comfortable, maybe taking things for granted? We totally understand. We all get so wrapped up in our lives that we sometimes forget we share this world with our partners.

So, consider this your friendly little nudge: it’s time to show you care.

Tip # 6 on building emotional intimacy: Reflect on Their Passing
Now, don’t agonize about the demise of yourself or your loved one. That’s not the point we’re trying to make here. We suggest taking a moment to truly feel and appreciate the emotional support their life provides you.

It’s like a sudden wake-up call that snaps you out of dwelling on minor grievances in relationships so that you can treasure and maximize your precious time together.

There is nothing like pondering your mortality to cultivate a sense of presence and gratitude.

Tip # 7 on experiencing emotional intimacy: Find Marriage Development Classes
Various communities, churches, and civic organizations offer these. These classes and retreats have proven to be truly beneficial for couples, resulting in tremendous relationship growth.

By participating in these structured settings alongside other couples and guided by professional counselors or clergy, you can enhance the depth and strength of your marriage. Although it may require a significant time commitment, the effort is worthwhile and can yield remarkable returns in emotional intimacy.

Tip # 8 on how to build emotional intimacy: Listen to Comprehend
Have you ever experienced a moment when you share your feelings with your partner, only to have them immediately jump in with ways to “fix” things? Or maybe you find yourself trying to “help” your partner overcome their emotional difficulties?

Here’s a newsflash: this approach doesn’t lead to emotional intimacy. Instead, it often results in defensiveness, disconnection, and isolation.

But here’s the simple fix for this vicious cycle: practice active listening to truly understand.

Assume your partner possesses the necessary skills and resources to navigate their challenges. Then your role in the conversation would be focused on empathetically grasping what it’s like to be in their shoes, experiencing what they’re going through.

Remember, your partner seeks your understanding and connection, not immediate solutions. If they desire assistance in fixing things, they will inquire.

Tip # 9 on experiencing emotional intimacy: Try New Things…
Do you know that advice about trying new things together? We’ve all heard it a thousand times. Well, here’s the thing: it’s not just about discovering new stuff; it’s about creating moments of pure excitement together.

Sure, it might mean stepping out of your comfort zone and doing something different. But it could also be the tried-and-true activities that still light a fire within you because those moments of shared exhilaration draw us closer and deepen our emotional bond.

So, whether embarking on thrilling sexual experiences or reviving an old passion, finding ways to ignite excitement in your relationship will undoubtedly nurture emotional intimacy.

Recommended Reading: 47 Experiences To Try With Your Spouse

Tip # 10 on how to build emotional intimacy: Attitude of Gratitude
Take a moment to acknowledge the actions worth appreciating (even the ones that may seem routine). Express how these actions positively impact you and why you genuinely value them.

For example, “Thank you for handling the trash. It’s such a relief knowing that I don’t have to deal with bin germs anymore, making my life much easier.”

Also, recognize the qualities and values exhibited by the person performing the actions. Let them know specifically what you appreciate about them as a person.

For instance, “I admire how dedicated you are as a parent. Your effort to raise our kids is remarkable, and I love how their well-being is always your top priority.”

Spending time together + telling them why you’re grateful will make you more grateful and help both partners feel secure.

Tip # 11 on how to build emotional intimacy: Talk About The Past
Introducing our super-simple intimacy game that can become part of your everyday relationship banter.

The game begins with the sentence stem, “Remember when…?”

Then take turns filling in the blanks with delightful memories you share, ranging from the obscure to the ridiculously obvious. Get ready for a nostalgic journey filled with laughter and joy! For example:

• “Remember when… we went to that weird smoothie place and had crepes?”

• “Remember when… we changed our wedding venue the night before?” (true story)

• “Remember when… we moved to Georgia for three months to make a movie.

Let me explain why this approach works. In this game, you will tap into the power of Positive Psychology and a concept called capitalizing. Capitalizing is all about savoring positive life events by sharing them with responsive partners.

Now, think back to those special moments. Remember when…? By reflecting on these treasured memories, we reinforce the shared meaning in our lives, boost positive feelings, and create even deeper emotionally intimate memories.

Tip # 12 on building emotional intimacy: Improve at Handling Negativity
Have you ever noticed how challenging it can be to let yourself be seen? Our culture struggles with accepting difficult feelings. We use toxic positivity, where we ignore or suppress our “negative” emotions.

But here’s the thing: avoiding or suppressing those emotions isn’t just harmful to your mental health; it’s also a missed opportunity to close the emotional distance between two people.

Why?

Learning to acknowledge and regulate ALL of our emotions means that we no longer have to hide from them. We don’t have to pretend they don’t exist or keep them hidden from our partners. And the more we practice being with our emotions, the better we become at being present for someone else’s.

Tip # 13 on how to build emotional intimacy: Silence all electronics
Technology creates emotional distance in relationships as it diminishes the quality of human interaction. While texting and emailing serve practical purposes and help us stay connected when we’re apart and busy, it’s crucial to be wary of the impact of constant tech interruptions, aka ‘technoference’.

Interestingly, a study found that married couples with frequent tech interruptions face increased conflict and lower relationship satisfaction. Here are some ways to avoid these interruptions.

• When you’re together, kickstart quality time by turning off all distractions such as computers, televisions, video game consoles, cell phones, and tablets.

• Embrace genuine conversation, cherishing moments of sharing and eye contact.

• Make meal times device-free zones to promote uninterrupted connection.

One handy tactic many successful couples employ is to silence their cell phones and drop them in a little basket or box by the door as they come home. They commit to leaving them off for at least an hour or two whenever they’re together, you’re being fully present!

Are There Gender Differences In How We Develop Emotional Intimacy?

Throughout history, it has been crucial for males to gather and organize information quickly to increase situational awareness and ensure survival. On the other hand, it has been crucial for women to establish numerous connections rapidly to ensure their social environment can nurture their children’s well-being.

Our survival instinct implies that women have enhanced good communication systems resulting in their ability to express themselves, their deepest thoughts, and their feelings at any moment. In contrast, men’s survival instinct relied on logic and abstraction, potentially hampering their capacity to engage with right-hemispheric functions, such as recognizing faces, expressing emotions, reading emotions, and intuition.

Hence Men Are Better At Physical Intimacy & Women Are Better At Emotional Intimacy.

By understanding and appreciating these gender differences, we can acknowledge that women have spent centuries focusing on developing emotional intimacy to the point where it feels natural, while men have not. Therefore, have patience with each other as we do not have an equal communication footing.

Conclusion On Building Intimacy

Building deep emotional intimacy in our relationships requires both courage and trust. It can be scary and filled with shame, but it is an essential step toward true connection.

Without taking the plunge into vulnerability, we will only stay on the surface of our relationships. Instead of convincing ourselves to trust, we should pause and examine our mistrust.

Part of this journey is to trust someone (like a partner or a close friend) with our doubts, exposing them and the emotions they bring. By doing so, we create a foundation for emotional intimacy. Remember when we prioritize building intimacy and remove any emotional distance in a relationship… your sexual intimacy drastically improves.